Gusher gives a "yeee ha" to Buttock promotion

From Our Correspondents

The two-party system's most prized democratic process, the opinion polls, 
have shown Laboured leader Hyman Spleen still way behind PM Coward in the 
populist pandering stakes. The Laboured opposition continues to be hit with 
scandals, setbacks, backslides, roll overs, turn-abouts, retreats, 
retractions, denials, internal division, turmoil, hesitation, opportunism, 
intrigue, confusion, uncertainty, low morale and general lethargy.

"Things are looking positive", exclaimed an up-beat Hyman Spleen. Following 
on Mr Coward's recent denial that he had been sexed up, Mr Spleen promised 
supporters that he, like Mr Coward, was also not sexually oriented. His 
confirmed denial came as it was revealed that his shadow treasurer Bark 
Loathsome had penned a discriminating letter to US President Petroleum G 
Gusher (Pet) giving expression to certain deep-seated desires.

The letter, a copy of which has been obtained by our correspondents, speaks 
of "a grovel that dare not speak its name".

"Yes Pet, I want your endorsement to be the new Laboured leader", says the 
letter. "I know you've penned in Little Timmy Beastly for the next barbeque 
at Rancho el Gusher, but just consider this — who else (aside from PM 
Coward) can bash skulls and suck at the same time? Not Beastly, who, let's 
face it, is past his use by date. Certainly not Spleen! I mean, how do you 
think I got to where I am today?

"Pet, Beastly even confronted Spleen just the other day. `Hyman' he said, 
`Your yesterday's man.' And Spleen's response was `But you're the day 
before yesterday's man'."

Mr Spleen went on the offensive, telling the media, "I can assure Laboured 
supporters I have never been sexed up in any way, shape or form. You can be 
assured that I am utterly sexless."

Meanwhile, Mr Coward's reshuffle of his cabinet deckchairs came after close 
consultation with the US President, the PM has confirmed. "I spoke to Mr 
Gusher in our usual exchange of ideas and he was absolutely of the firm 
opinion, with careful consideration, that we, as a sovereign embedded state 
should, all things considered, make whatever decisions we want after Mr 
Gusher's nod of assent."

Asked about the appointment of Commandant Adolph Buttock as Minister for 
Legalising Tyranny, Mr Coward said that President Gusher gave a "yeee ha" 
to the Buttock promotion. "His exact words were, `Any guy who has created a 
concentration camp network such as Australia has got is the kind of guy yu 
want as head of your country's justice system.'"

Foreign Minister Oleander Bounder also received a promotion with Minister 
for Sheep Ships added to his portfolio, immediately having to deal with a 
ship load of bovines sent back by their country of destination. "The Saudis 
refuse to take them", said an outraged Mr Bounder. "They told me they would 
decide which sheep came there, and how they came.

"It's quite heartless, I think, leaving them to sail around the ocean sick 
and dying. Daddy had sheep on his farm when I was a boy. Lovely woolly 
things, they were."

In the US, President Gusher has issued another of his now famous "Gunfight 
at the OK Corral" addresses to the nation following findings by terrorist 
expert Con Coction that terrorist networks are being funded by a complex 
underground system using fly-buyes.

"We gonna git all them re-cruted by the regime's evil henchfolk", said 
President Gusher in his address. "They jist terrists re-cruted by Saddam to 
be goorillas."

Cleg Lapdog, the Antipodes Editor for the News Extremely Ltd paper The 
Strain ("We strain all the news that's fit to print"), responded to these 
latest revelations by calling for Australia to become even more embedded 
with the USA.

"Anti-Americanism is un-Australian", Mr Lapdog told an extraordinary media 
gathering, including our correspondents. "They are us, we are them. Didn't 
they come halfway round the world and kill hundreds of thousands of people 
in South-East Asia in the name of democracy and freedom? And aren't they 
killing even more people right now in your name?

"Haven't they rescued our television and film industries by filling the 
void with endless amounts of their programming and movies. Why, my boss 
Rupture T Burlap has even set up his Schlock Studios here. And don't they 
want to help rid us of all the protection of our industry and agriculture 
that's stunting us economically, so as to expose us to deeper economic 
penetration?

"I tell you, we're apple pie, right to our bobby soxs", Mr Lapdog 
proclaimed pressing the CD key on his computer and standing to attention 
with a smart West Point salute as the strains of the Star Spangled Banner 
filled the room.