Culture and Life

by Rob Gowland

Welcome home, John!

So you're back from Baghdad, John? Had a good trip?

It didn't look too rough, what I saw of it on TV. As far as I 
could tell, you only went to Baghdad airport.

Not much to see from there, John, except — for your visit — 
wall to wall soldiers. Given your physically challenged stature, 
I imagine that most of the time you must have had a good view of 
their belt buckles.

I noticed you wore desert camouflage fatigues. You were expecting 
sand hills at Baghdad airport?

Later, on the radio, I heard you say that, yes, you supposed 
there was an element of danger, as though danger was something 
people like you (you know, world leaders) just have to accept.

Brave words, John, my compliments to your speech-writer. But 
let's be honest, your greatest danger is not from people 
overseas.

It's here in Australia, isn't it, that you are really loathed and 
despised. Although, to be fair, even here I don't think they 
actually want you dead.

Hanging you by your testicles probably appeals to quite a few, 
but I am sure they don't mean you any real harm. After all, they 
know that you would only be replaced by another just like you.

No, I think most of your opponents here are well aware that 
political change is what is needed to remove you and your Party 
(and the corporate elements behind you) from positions of 
leadership in this country.

Which is one reason you're so busy putting all those anti-
democratic laws in place, isn't it? Smart move, if you want my 
opinion.

Nothing like planning to protect your (corporate) interests when 
democracy turns awkward — and it will, as you are well aware. 
You can't go on bashing working people senseless for ever without 
them getting the hump, can you?

It must be a great comfort to you to know you've got all those 
laws, and camps and police powers in place already (with the 
Labor Party's help, let us not forget).

Anyway, back to Baghdad. It's a shame you had to forego the 
chance for a meet and greet walk around downtown Baghdad. An 
interesting city, by all accounts.

But, of course, those Iraqis do tend to be a bit, well, volatile, 
don't they? Tend to get a bit worked up over little things, like 
the almost total lack of jobs or the absence of electricity.

Might have asked you some tricky questions, do you think? Very 
wise of you to avoid that, I think.

As if you could do anything about that sort of thing, anyway, eh? 
You've got your hands full just trying to get some contracts for 
Australian firms to share in the looting [oops, sorry, Freudian 
slip there, should have said rebuilding] of Iraq.

Can't have been easy, in the face of all those greedy Yank 
corporations, to successfully beg some crumbs from Uncle Sam's 
table. But you did it, John, showing just what sort of patriot 
you are.

As I said, I saw you in Baghdad on TV, so clearly your secret 
visit was not a secret from the TV news services. But then, there 
would not have been any point in going if it had been, eh?

Greeting a handful of Australian military personnel was never the 
main purpose of the Baghdad junket, was it? Not even a minor 
purpose, I suspect.

No, garnering that all-important TV coverage, that was the real 
reason for the trip, wasn't it John? After all, there is a 
Federal election looming.

I take it you have now subcontracted your re-election campaign to 
the same guys who are handling George Bush's? You certainly seem 
to be getting the same advice as he's getting.

He went dashing off on a secret visit to the troops in the Gulf, 
and now you've done the same.

He dressed up as a fighter-pilot and was flown to a carrier where 
he strutted around like a Top Gun US Navy flier. You dressed up 
in camouflage gear and flew to Baghdad airport where you could 
make believe you were a soldier at the front.

You want to be careful of stunts like that, though, John. Your 
mate George has had a lot of negative feedback from former and 
serving military personnel who were not impressed by his ever-so-
safe impersonation of people he sends into mortal danger for his 
own purposes.

Of course, I don't have to tell you. I believe you're bringing 
the Federal election on early, before the US poll in November, is 
that right?

That suggests you have no illusions about George's chances of 
success and don't want his debacle to spill over on to you. Can't 
say I blame you.

But if your defeat had followed his, it would at least have 
maintained your unbroken record of following the US lead in 
everything you did, wouldn't it?