Mike Moore's office of homeland security

US author & film maker Michael Moore announces opening of new 
office

My fellow Americans,

We live in really, really, scary, scary times. BOO! See, you jumped, didn't 
you? I don't blame you. I did too, as I typed it! SCAAARRY TIMES!

Yes, there are thousands of evildoers who are working 24/7 to mess us up. 
Well, actually, it may only be a few hundred.

OK, fine. I'll come clean: It's just three guys — and they go by the names 
of bin Bush, al-Ashcroft and Abu Cheney.

Yes, these three have put us all in grave danger. Whether it was their 
inaction before September 11, or their actions since September 11, they 
have made this a less-safe country — and they are doing their damnedest to 
destroy our constitution and our American way of life. They must be 
stopped. Or at least sent on a very long Carnival Cruise.

That is why today I am announcing the creation of MIKE'S OFFICE OF HOMELAND 
SECURITY.

This Office will, each day, issue the necessary warnings to the American 
people (and to the other freaked-out inhabitants of this planet) about what 
precautions and action you and they will need to take.

Though not yet a cabinet-level department (this would first require 
removing the squatters at 1600 Penn. Ave.), Mike's Office of Homeland 
Security will act as THE one-stop shopping and command centre charged with 
monitoring the movements of the doers of true evil.

This Office will dispatch the forces of the American Public (the vast 
majority of whom never elected a single damn one of the men who now "lead" 
us) to conquer evil wherever it may be, from DC to Wall Street to the 
Republic of Texas.

Let's face it, folks, it's not that these are simply bad men. It's just 
that now, with all the recent revelations, it has become sadly evident they 
are just plain stupid ("Mr 'President', we think Osama is going to hijack 
planes and crash them into buildings!" Bush: "Hey, I'm on vacation — send 
my aides a memo!")

When George W promised last week to "securitize" the country, who among us 
felt really safe (or "safetized")?

When General Ashcroft (as the Democratic Senators on the "oversight" panel 
reverently addressed him recently) spends our money on expensive drapes to 
cover up the statue of Lady Justice at the Justice Department because he 
does not want to see a stone breast exposed, who among us feels the cover-
up at Justice stops there?

When Dick Cheney disappears for long periods of time, who among us doesn't 
scream, "PAR-TY!!"

So the CIA knew this, and the FBI knew that. And they did nothing. But THEY 
will not be part of Bush's new cabinet department for HIS Office of 
Homeland Security. No, of course not!

Why have the two of them stinkin' up the room? And what do THEY have to do 
with making sure SICKOS DON'T KILL US??!! No, instead, Wis going to whip 
the Coast Guard and the fruitfly inspectors at Immigration into shape, 
those lazy bastards!

No wonder our lives are still in jeopardy — it's the out-of-control toll 
collectors at the Windsor Tunnel in Detroit!

Thank God the FBI and the CIA will be allowed to continue on their own 
separate paths, kicking the crap outta each other, and answerable to no 
one. AS IT SHOULD BE!!

I mean, where would we be today (and how many may have lived) had the FBI 
not siphoned off the resources of 200 full-time FBI agents who spent the 
better part of the late '90s on the Clinton-Lewinsky case — investigating 
the national security crisis of how to get a stain out of a blue dress!

What if they had been doing their REAL job — like investigating dip-shit 
flight training schools in Florida and Texas and SAVING PEOPLE'S LIVES?!

What a waste of time! And still, to this day, not a single apology from any 
Republicans for that costly misdirection of police protection. (You see, if 
I were to go call 9-1-1 right now and send the cops off to some stupid non-
crime scene, I would be arrested. When the Republicans did it, they got the 
White House.)

Well, enough carpin' about these losers. Nothing they do will prevent the 
next attack, sad to say. So, at the very least, I can offer to help protect 
our constitution, our civil liberties, and our precious right to watch 
football, eat Tostitos, and NOT fall off the couch.

Plus, my Office of Homeland Security will give out prizes! All the Bush 
Office is doing is giving out secret warrants to arrest Americans, throw 
them in secret prisons and never charge them.

My colour codes of various security levels will come in everything from 
CODE MAUVE to CODE PERIWINKLE. I will explain the day's "Crisis Situation" 
and give you "Your Mission."

By turning to Mike's Office of Homeland Security you may not survive the 
next terrorist attack, but you will definitely make it to November 2, 2004. 
And wake up happy on November 3.

By what authority do I establish this Office? Well, I may not be the 
President, but they've just told me I've sold more books this year than 
Harry Potter — and, dammit, that should bestow some sort of superpowers on 
me to protect the rest of us, right?

Thank you. Good night. And God Bless America Except Florida.

Michael Moore, Author, Filmmaker, Evil-doer: mike@michaelmoore.com

* * *

To check in at Mike's Office of Homeland Security or to get your copy of 
his latest book Stupid White Men (on the New York Times top 
ten list of non-fiction books for the last 15 weeks), click on:

http://www.michaelmoore.com

June 7, 2002

The book can also be purchased in Australian bookshops.