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Issue #1713      December 2, 2015

The Common Tern

Russian government responds to downing of plane, closes all kebab shops for 24 hours

Russian President Vladimir Putin told a packed press conference that last week’s controversial shooting down of one of its war planes by a Turkish air-to-air missile was the last straw in relations between the two countries.

“We had no choice but to enact sanctions against Turkey and wanted to strike hard at the heart of the Turkish economy,” Putin said.

“I’ve never liked kebabs, or the garlic sauce that never stops dropping down your bloody wrist when you get to the bottom,” he said.

“And there’s no way our plane was in Turkish airspace, it’s just rubbish. Now, as a result, no Russian will go within 5 metres of a Doner Kebab store for at least 24 hours.”

Putin said the sanctions could be lifted if measures are taken by the Turkish government to address Russian concerns.

“We want to see these serious issues addressed,” said the Russian leader. “A directive must come from my Turkish counterparts to ensure not a single Russian has his pants stained by a leaky kebab packet again.

“Further, we will maintain the closure of kebab shops until the Turks find a way to stop bits of paper bag ending up in people’s teeth when they consume these messy things.”

The Common Tern flies over the heads of some but beware not to take him too seriously.

Next article – Private health insurance – Watching you

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